am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
