I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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