Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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