I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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