Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
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there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
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Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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