I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
