I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
