she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
