I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
