Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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