Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
