I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
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I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
my liver is dry heaving
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize