My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
