i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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