does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
