i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
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The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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