Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.