I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?