no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
