I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken