When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain