Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
