my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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