We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She has the best kind of daddy issues
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
