come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I could make wine with my vomit
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
