this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
