Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
