Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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