Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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