I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
