omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
