you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Randomize
