one two three fourrrrnication!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
