i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Randomize
