Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"