Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.