Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
