getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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