Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
