and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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