Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I need to stop coming to work sober
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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