yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
