There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
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please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize