Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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