i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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