youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
