So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We have started to decorate penises.
We don't watch enough power rangers
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
