Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
