I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
