I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
