I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
