if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The best revenge is premature balding
her facebook's as public as her vagina
pop tarts are not kleenex
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
