When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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