i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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