Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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