Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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