you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
