If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
