We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
