Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize