strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
