the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
