help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
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Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
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